so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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