where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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