I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
