My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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