mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
