dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
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The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
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It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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