It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
