areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
