shes about as inviting as chlamydia
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
