im having a threesome with these popsicles
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
