I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
