Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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