Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
