when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
