Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
