Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
