Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
