I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
