"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
