Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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