There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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