I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
