I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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