My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
