I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
