upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He passed out mid-signature
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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