Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
