Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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