Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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