In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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