wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
