i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Randomize
