i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
