I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
