I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so explain again why im purple
no
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
