Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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