if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
