I cockslap morals
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
