I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
