i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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