im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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