God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
