Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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