I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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