I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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