Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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