i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
