I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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