i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
