The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
