the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
