when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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