porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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