Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
