i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
