You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
