I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
