So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
